You, Me, Her

Part 3

CHAEYOUNG’S POV 

It wasn’t love at first sight, that I am sure of. My feelings towards Mina isn’t something that happened one fine day, or through a touch of shoulders when we pass each other down the hallway, or by a brush of fingers as I help her keep the door steady at the cafeteria when a group of rowdy teenagers ignore how it is made of glass and runs ahead anyway. It’s not like a snap of a finger and BAM! I’m in love. No, I refuse to fall under that cliché.

My love for Mina is more like a collection of moments. Page by page, section by section, she fills my days of thoughts about her, of her, and then I knew …

Okay, I don’t know when exactly it happened. But I know how.

She will be sitting there at the bleachers looking at the soccer team’s star player. She never misses a game or a practice. Her face will always light up as soon as Nayeon looks at her, her cheeks will blush when the athlete hugs her closely after a win. I notice how her head will hung low as she tries to hide her eyes with jealousy whenever Nayeon talks with other girls. I know how her smile falters a little while the senior turns to introduce her latest girlfriend to her.

You see, it became my habit to look at Mina looking at Nayeon.  

One day at practice, Mina isn’t at her usual spot, and it’s unsettling. Instantly, I’m feeling queasy, with an uneasiness bubbling right there in my gut that I can’t explain. Nayeon wasn’t at the field as well.

Knowing something’s amiss, I went looking for Mina. And true enough, I saw her with Nayeon, the latter scolding her about something I didn’t bother to understand. All I see is how Mina stifles a sob, tries hard, as Nayeon walk away red in the face and annoyed, a girl grabbing at her arm, a satisfying smirk on her lips. New girlfriend I presume.

I saw Mina at her usual place the following week watching Nayeon, again. I walk over and smiles at her. I took out a note and handed it to her. She was surprised, even blinked a couple of times, and mouthed a wordless question ‘for me’.  I nod my head and moves the piece of paper closer to her, waving it slightly. She smiled and looked at me suspiciously but reaches for it anyway.

Mina passed me a folded paper the next day and went her way. It was so brief the encounter could just be a product of my imagination if not for the paper inside my palm.

I grinned immediately when I recognize that Mina used the same piece of paper to reply.

———-

MN: “I’m stuck, I can’t move forward.”

CY: “You can. I can show you how. If you’ll let me …”

After exchanging a dozen of notes with Mina, days at a time, sometimes weeks, I bravely replied like this. It’s a risk, and I know it will hurt me so if she freaks out and stops writing me back because of my boldness and impatience. But it’s a risk I have to take if I want us to go somewhere.

And the change began …

———-

Mina started to accept me slowly. She began to entertain my phone calls and accept my random gifts. I know that the person she loves isn’t me. However, her little gestures like joining me at lunch one time, letting me drive her home or buy her coffee, emboldens my heart and pushes me to believe that someday, hopefully soon, she’ll completely accept me and return my feelings.

I kept persevering and didn’t shy away from declaring my love for her. Every time though Mina will divert the topic away, shaking her head and giving my arm a gentle slap. Nevertheless, I never give up. I decided when I first gave her that note or maybe when I witnessed her crying one painful afternoon, or perhaps long before that, on one of the many times I saw her sitting alone looking at Nayeon lovingly, that I want to make her mine. I will use this opportunity Mina gave me to know her better and discover the things that makes her happy. I will use all means to win her over, I swore to myself.

In one of our evening phone calls, I confessed my feelings to Mina once again, not passing up the chance to tell her how much I really like her. Feeling a little bit disheartened at Mina’s lengthening silence, I decided to change the conversation myself, mentally adding another point to my ‘rejection moments’ book.

“What are you doing tomorrow? I am planning to visit a butterfly garden across town, interested?” I casually asked.

“Tell me again.” Mina says barely a whisper. Probably zoning out and didn’t hear me clearly, I repeated what I said moments ago, a little louder this time.

“Tell. Me. Again.” Mina is emphasizing at each word making me more confused.

Has Mina’s hearing gone bad now?

I told her slowly the same thing for the third time. And I’m already pulling at my hair upon hearing Mina scoff at the other end, a long sigh subsequently follows. “Tell me again.” She said once more.

Am I saying it wrongly, why can’t she understand me?

“Tell me again, Chaeyoung,” Mina then softly continues, “ask me again to be your girlfriend.”

Now it’s me who turns deaf.

“What?” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. My ears are ringing and my heart pounding loudly against my ribs isn’t of any help.

Mina chortles, “I said ask me again to be your girlfriend, Chaeyoung.”

I couldn’t hold back my squeal.

I hung up the phone soon after, dressed up quickly and rushed to Mina’s place. I hugged her tightly the moment she opened her door.

<Mina deciding to let go of HER first love is because of my unrelenting persuasion. Or because Nayeon loves her too yet never asked her to stay?>

You Me, Her

Part 2

MINA’S POV

1 Best buddies

I met Nayeon one rainy afternoon during my junior year in high school. Soccer practice just ended when suddenly there is a downpour. Everyone hurried towards the closest shelter they can find except for one: Nayeon. She just casually walk-off the entire length of the field unbothered by the rain that’s now starting to soak her clothes. When she reached the shed where I was standing, she only smiled with a shrug on her shoulders and told me she doesn’t have an umbrella.

Not thinking twice, I offered mine, and regretting it instantly seeing she is already drenched. I wanted to give myself a slap on the head. But instead of stating the obvious, Nayeon just flashed an even wider smile exposing her bunny teeth and said “Let’s go together.”

<Cute>

I learn to rely on Nayeon throughout the years. I value her opinion the most. And doing things together became a second nature to me. We are inseparable that our closeness was often suspected to be more than friendship. But we were not in a romantic relationship. We’re buddies, best of friends.

However, when she had her first official girlfriend, I’m introduced to a feeling I never knew before and never wanted to learn – jealousy.

 

2 Unrequited Love

The sourness I am feeling can’t be described in simple words. Closest I could relate it to is that feeling of having a hundred rotten sour lemons at the pit of my stomach. They were only together for a month and when they broke up, I had this strong sense of happiness. I had to bite back a smile when Nayeon talked about how sad she was for them not working out. My happiness was short lived though as she got together with another girl after three months.

I like her, and I know she likes me, too.

<However, why won’t Nayeon pursue me? Since she likes me, too, why won’t she make the first move?>

Whenever she has a new girlfriend, my heart will break, and the tiny seed of doubt that this is an unrequited love starts to grow in my heart.

<But if she doesn’t like me that way, why does she treat me so well?>

I started analyzing Nayeon’s every move, each look; every touch, each smile. And I always end up with the same conclusion, she likes me more than a friend.

<But why aren’t we one?>

These conflicting emotions on top of the bitter possibility that I am only overthinking things kept me awake at night. It is hear wrenching liking someone, more so a friend closest to you. And figuring out Nayeon’s true feelings for me became a puzzle I can’t solve.

<She can’t expect me to confront her about this, right?>

 

3 Waiting in vain

Despite of the heartache brought by her relationships to girls other than me, I still stayed by her side. I wanted to accompany her, care for her and love her. Hoping that one day she will love me back. So I waited for Nayeon to see me not just her best friend.

Four years passed and I really wanted to give up. I wonder sometimes if I should continue waiting for someone who seems too oblivious of my existence. I don’t want to wait for her phone call every night and gets grumpy when she forgets, but smiles to herself like a fool when she sends puppy-eyed emojis and forgives. I don’t want to cry anymore every time I see her share a kiss with someone. I don’t want to resent her for siding with her bitch of a girlfriend and yelling at me in front of other people. I don’t want to be introduced as the best friend to her newest girl. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to stop.

<Tell me how to stop.>

 

4 Me and only me

Middle of school year, a freshman started to go after me. She’s sweet and shameless in showing her feelings towards me. She pursues me relentlessly every day. Her persistence never made me uncomfortable, and so it didn’t come a surprise when my feelings changed from absolute rejection into somewhat willing to entertain. She is a warm and gentle soul that sees right through me and only me. The affection she showers me can be overwhelming but somehow foreign to someone like me who has been used to giving and not the other way around.

I dreaded the day I will tell Nayeon about her. And that moment came faster than I expected.

 

5 Helpless and hurting

I played in my head countless times how to break this news to Nayeon. I prepared my defense should she react negatively. I also constructed an argument in case she’ll pull out her best friend’s rights card of being consulted first about this relationship. I’m ready for this day. Or so I thought.

Nothing prepared me to a hurting but smiling Nayeon.

I can see her hands are trembling when she moved a step back creating more distance between us. She clenches her jaw in between her congratulatory remarks to my first ever relationship. But I can see the vein on the side of her neck beating rapidly.

When I muster enough courage, I look up to her face and there saw a mix of sadness and regret passing through her eyes. Biting her thumb, she told me about her recent break up. Awkward silence followed and for a second, I thought (know) Nayeon will break down and burst into tears. But no, she was able to hold them back, biting the sides of her cheek and huffing loud sighs next.

I’m not used to seeing Nayeon like this. Helpless and hurting. All the more because me. I wanted to hug her and make it okay. But I realize one step closer to her, is one step away from Chaeyoung, and so I stood my ground.

 

6 No answer is an answer

We are still friends but we learned to live outside each other’s shadow. We talk less and less and even shorter than the last time. Days would pass by without a Hi or a Good night from each other. Days became weeks, and weeks became months. Inseparable no more is what Nayeon and I became after that night.

Craving for answers, I sent her a SMS to understand how we got here and if given a chance, to finally tell Nayeon how I really felt about her. But two days passed and there is no response from her. I guess no answer, is an answer.

<ME leaving her is because I found Chaeyoung. Or is it because Nayeon just smiled and never asked me to stay?>

 

~~ One more chapter to go. 😉

You, Me, Her

Part 1

NAYEON’S POV

1 The Bunny Ace.

It’s my nickname at the university going four years now. I play soccer and I love painting. I even started using a drawing of a bunny with a carrot stick as my signature for all my works. Why Bunny Ace? It’s because I play quarterback and I have two large front teeth.

I dated quite a number of girls when I was in high school. Girls like me. You can say that I’m a campus crush. I can get any girl that I want. But there’s this one girl who I really like.

Her name’s Mina.

However, I never dared to court her. She is from a wealthy and known family. Her quiet personality is contradicted by her pretty face and her very good figure that cannot be muted. Coupled with the brightest eye smile and cute giggles, her charm is endless. Mina is a very special girl.

<I like her. A lot.>

Her innocence and cuteness; her elegance. I didn’t woo her because I thought somebody so ordinary like me is never a good match to her. I’m afraid that the friendship we built over the years will be ruined once I confess. I’m also scared of the gossips that will follow her and that being together is something I am undeserving of. And so I stayed quiet and ultimately remained friends with her. Mina witnessed me go after different girls for years. And each time, there’s a glint of sadness in her eyes.

<Does she like me, too?>

 

2 Walnut eyes

Mina accidentally bumped into us while I was kissing my third girlfriend. My own two eyes saw red crept up from her neck to her face while she remained standing by the locker room’s door, frozen, mouth slightly agape. Seconds passed that felt like hours before she managed to produce a crooked smile and motioned us to continue before running off.

Mina’s eyes were swollen the next day. And because I refuse to believe that the kissing incident caused her tears, I teased her for her walnut eyes the whole day.

I saw Mina crying alone in the classroom later that day after everyone has left for practice. She didn’t notice me returning for my gear. I watched her cry silently for some time. When her shoulders started to shake, she put a hand to her mouth while her other hand clutches at her chest. The sound she made not long after somewhat of a wounded animal made my stomach twist.

<Oh, that God-awful sound>

A harrowing sound that haunted me for weeks after.

 

3 Bitter taste

My next girlfriend had a short temper and does not approve of my friendship with Mina. One day they got into a quarrel and instead of finding out what the fight is about, I sided automatically with my girlfriend. Mina tried explaining her side of the story but I didn’t bother to really listen. At some point, I got annoyed and shouted at her. The shock that filled her eyes that time as I walk off with my girlfriend left a bitter taste on my mouth. I apologized for my outburst later that night and Mina forgave me.

She was smiling, even laughing at my silly jokes the following week we met. We’re back to being us like nothing has ever happened.

<She’s doing okay. We are okay.>

She’s not hurt, that’s what I told myself.

 

4 A barrel of realization

I just broke up with my girlfriend and was out drinking with my teammates when it hit me. I don’t like Mina. After eight failed relationships and a barrel of alcohol, I realized one thing. I just don’t like her.

<I love Mina>

I came running to Mina’s apartment that night. I tried calling but she’s not picking up. I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol that’s making my heart beat faster or the thought of seeing her right at this very moment is giving me the palpitations. My phone rang.

“Hey, Minari! Are you home? Can I come over? I have something to tell you.”

Coincidentally, Mina has something to tell me, too.

“See yeah in a bit.” I couldn’t wait to see her face once I tell her how I really feel.

I told Mina about my break up.

And she told me about Chaeyoung, her girlfriend.

 

5 Pool of tears

I couldn’t show her how much my heartaches and all I could do is force a smile and congratulate her. It’s her first relationship after all.

I can’t remember how I got home, the drive over is a blur and my ears are ringing. I wanted to shout but I couldn’t. I can’t breathe as if a heavy rock was on my chest. I’m drowning from my own emotions. The pain was so strong that I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I broke down and cried. My sobs turned into wails in no time. I was reduced to a pool of tears as my legs gave out even before I could open the door to my room.

I don’t remember sleeping that night.

 

6  Two reasons why

Days leading up to graduation, Mina and I rarely seen each other. We both kept busy, me with my soccer games and art exhibit, her with the school paper and Chaeyoung, of course.

Night before graduation, I saw an unread message from my phone. It was from Mina sent two days ago.

It reads:

“There are only two reasons why we leave the people we are in love with. Either it is the right thing to do, or it is the only thing left to do. I’m with Chaeyoung now. But did it ever occur to you how YOU never asked me to stay?”

 

~~ I’m trying again. Let’s see where this goes. 😉